Sigma Rho’s sight lines

ENQUIRY
DEMAREE J.B. RAVAL

Sigma Rho’s sight lines
Sunday, 11 29, 2009

The Sigma Rho Fraternity of the UP College of Law turns 70 today.

Formally recognized in 1939 by the University of the Philippines, the Sigma Rho is the fraternal organization of those associated for a common purpose and interest, united despite varied backgrounds and regardless of individual occupations, passions and tastes.

The Sigma Rho must have beckoned to the UP student at the verge of manhood with the promise of initiation ceremonies shrouded in mystery, the macho challenge of undergoing hazing, parties, living college life to the fullest, meeting sorority sisters in the Delta Lambda Sigma, and indulging in exuberant adventures that included the occasional “rumble” with groups out to make a name for themselves as having confronted the Sigma Rho.

And experience these promises the young Sigma Rhoan did. Sometimes in a degree that went a little too much that it could only be ascribed to the giddy energy and excitement of the young and the restless.

In the light of some news that have given fraternities an unsavory and dubious reputation in recent years, it would be downright hypocritical to declare that no Sigma Rhoan has ever been called to the carpet of the fraternity table for a violation of its values and ideals.

But the Sigma Rhoans - and they are a multitude - have never turned their backs at the golden opportunity to become gentlemen scholars and warriors, leaders in the community who excel in their academic studies and earn the respect of everyone. By and large, the members of the Sigma Rho have often been campus leaders, involved in student government, honor societies and other organizations. They are the students who have embraced the chance to become leaders of the country.

The Sigma Rho is not only a fraternity. It is a force.

Scan the political landscape. Sigma Rho members are everywhere – be it in the administration or in the opposition to it. Or in the legislature. Or in the judiciary.

Go to the military and the police. Or, on the other side of the fence, to groups which espouse an ideology against whom the military and the police are engaged in military and police action. Then look at those who sit at the negotiating tables. You will see Sigma Rhoans on either side and, as likely as not, in the middle.

Business and industry is not spared the presence of the Sigma Rhoans. They assume the forms of titans of property development, banking and insurance, transportation, telecommunications….

The arts, journalism, science and medicine, sports, and every conceivable field of activity have Sigma Rhoans for their achievers and leaders.

And go international. A Sigma Rhoan would in all probability be managing population, fighting poverty, handling climate change, waging war on corruption, or spreading the tenets of democratic governance.

For all these Sigma Rho stalwarts who have distinguished themselves — not only in the field of Rule of Law and Justice, where Sigma Rhoans abound — the fraternity has all the reasons not to exist aimlessly. Neither must it exist for petty, narrow and selfish reasons. It is meant to serve the nation and places beyond its borders.

The Sigma Rho does not exist as an instrument to further the selfish ambitions of glory-seeking individuals or as a channel of parvenus and glamour-hungry upstarts. These rogues are filtered out by Sigma Rho’s rigorous requirements for membership. Those who will soon leave the groves of academe are nurtured by an alumni council that sees to the observance of the hierarchy of loyalty and code of action of the fraternity.

The Sigma Rho is a fraternity of destiny. History has ordained it for leadership and infused it by reason of its inseparable antecedents with ideological, cultural, and political missions that will inevitably find cyclical fulfillment in time and space.

As an organization drawing its life from the Fatherland and recognition from UP, its missions must perforce be fundamentally intertwined with the warp and woof of the principles declared by the Constitution and enshrined by the University. Thus, the Sigma Rho possesses a basic commitment to the ideals and principles of liberalism, libertarianism, Filipinism, and culture.

By the inevitability of logical flow, it is the supreme duty of every Sigma Rhoan to forge the links that will ensure the continuum of the liberal, libertarian, Filipinistic, scholarly, and cultural traditions of the Fatherland and the University.

These are the ends toward which the Sigma Rho moves, to realize its implacable destiny and attain the perfection of its collective will and personality.

These are the lofty thoughts that have been inculcated in the mind of every Sigma Rhoan on the day he took his fraternal oath.

Tonight, the Sigma Rho will celebrate the end of its platinum year of existence, and its members will start counting the next equally successful 70 years of existence of a fraternity that has made its mark.

Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile ’52, currently embodying the success and resilience of the Sigma Rho, will deliver the State of the Sigma Rho at the fraternity ball tonight at the Sofitel Plaza Hotel. The May 2010 presidential elections will most likely take center stage, where Sigma Rhoans will be, as usual, the key players. Consider: Enrile will be on the side of former President Joseph Estrada; former Senate President Frank Drilon ’66, with Noynoy Aquino; former Congressman Rolex Suplico ’84, with Manny Villar; former Congressman Ruy Lopez ’81, with Gibo Teodoro; and, former Senate President Ed Angara ’52, president of the Laban ng Demokratikong Pilipino which has already elected two presidents of the country since 1987, pushing the vice-presidential bid of Loren Legarda.

The movers and shakers of the land - enthused with the vivacity, the joie de vivre, the verve, the energy to head out to divergent terrains - will take stock of what happened and will plan again for the next engagement, always strong in will, to strive, to seek the right.

Seekers of the Right: that’s what Sigma Rhoans are, and that includes me (since 1971). Angara has never failed to remind his brothers: “As Seekers of the Right, you will never go far from leading and fighting for that kind of life if you put country above self, a virtue that is enshrined in our Hierarchy of Loyalty.”

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There’s a troubled country out there and the Sigma Rho can help find a balm for what ails it, and bolster its standing as a moral fraternity with all those who in the past and now have been in the service of the country.

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Comelec, take this seriously

ENQUIRY
DEMAREE J.B. RAVAL

Comelec, take this seriously
Sunday, 11 22, 2009

The Commission on Elections (Comelec) could have a big problem in its hands, if these observations of Dan Pinto, a computer maniac — “mitidor” is how he describes himself — prove to be true:

On Oct. 28, 2009, Bev Harris, the board administrator of BlackBoxVoting.org, made this post: “Smartmatic used to be associated with Sequoia in some way, didn’t it? Does anyone know the current status? A Sequoia rep contacted me to complain that we had listed Sequoia as foreign-owned in our anti-trust complaint letter, but when I asked him who DOES own Sequoia, he never answered.”

Now, here’s a question Filipinos might want answered: Isn’t Smartmatic the other half of the joint venture that the Comelec chose to supply the automated election machines for next year’s polls? Smartmatic-TIM has recently said it would hire other logistics and transport firms to deliver the equipment and personnel needed for the May 2010 elections to the country’s various regions.

Note the emphasis on equipment and personnel. I fervently hope that among the automated election machines will not be ones from Sequoia Voting Systems, which have a yellow button at the back. With this particular equipment, all a hacker-voter has to do once inside the booth is kill some time pretending he is having difficulty in choosing his candidates. Then he would reach around the back of the machine where the yellow button is located. Now, here’s the scary part: What if the hacker is part of the personnel that’s supposed to administer the elections? What if it’s an insider? Then we’ll have no use for Garci substitutes, I guess. Anyone could be a Garci for any party he chooses!

Harris goes on to explain:

Anyone who can get at the yellow button can ruin the election. It takes no password, no computer knowledge, no equipment.

Sequoia agreed it could be done, but claimed it would be difficult to do unnoticed (they focused more on voters doing it than the idea of an insider doing it).

Additional steps should be considered, and Sequoia now has joined Diebold as a company that produces provably insecure voting systems that should be recalled. Both the WinEDS central tabulator deployed by Sequoia and the Sequoia touch-screens with the yellow buttons are insecure.

While it may be caught if extra votes are entered using the yellow button hack, which ones would be thrown out if there are too many?

Here is how the “Yellow Button Hack” is done:

1. Go to the back of the voting machine. Press and hold the yellow activate button (about 3 seconds). Release when the screen says “waiting for next voter.”

2. Press and hold the yellow button again until the screen says “change to manual activation?”

3. Touch the “Yes” button on the screen.

4. At that point there will be a message on the screen that says “Manual activate voting enabled” (this is just displayed briefly).

5. Next message will read “Waiting for the next voter” When you see that you touch the message that says “start voting” or “resume voting” located in the lower right of the screen The AVC Edge is now set up for poll worker activation mode.

Here is the sequence:

1. Once you’ve touched the start or resume the “waiting for next voter” appears.

2. Activate the ballot by pressing and releasing the yellow activate button

3. Activate the correct party for the voter and press the yellow activate button using the keypad on the display screen

4. Select the voter’s language if appropriate.

5. Vote. (Once the voter has completed voting and cast his ballot, prepare the Edge for the next voter. If the next voter is a regular voter repeat steps 1 and 4). You can now vote as many times as you want to.

Pinto had been badgering anyone who would care to listen or read, but he has been largely ignored. If his observations prove to be true, we could have mayhem in May 2010. In short, failure of elections. And who else would benefit from this? Your guess is as good as saying what is the obverse side of the P200 bill.

q q q

Aside from this nightmarish, although highly provable, scenario Pinto’s enthusiasm for a forthcoming novel by former SEC Commissioner Perfecto Yasay Jr. has been uncontrollably wild. Titled Terminal Four, the book is set in a time in the near future wherein the president of the country is (again!) a woman who, because she could not run anymore for a second term, starts to plan for a failure of the national elections for the senators, the vice president and the president so she could stay as holdover president or interim head of state.

I’m going to be a rotten spoiler if I divulge how this fictional lady president would pull off this self-inflicted coup, but I could give you a hint: The Comelec (in the story, that is) will be the hand that will hold the smoking gun.

Here’s a teaser from the novel. In this scene a very close adviser to the president assures her, despite her doubts, that the new automated system is bound to fail: “It will fail for the nationally elected positions, but you, Madam President, will have nothing to do with it. That is Comelec’s sole responsibility. The errors and malfunctions will be such that none of the candidates for president, vice president and senators can claim any clear victory... The real contest will likely be among the stronger opposition candidates. But our anticipated computerization failure will force a declaration of a failure of election for the national elective posts. And it will be impossible to hold special elections for these positions before June 30. The melee that ensues will seriously threaten the peace and stability of the nation.”

Messrs. Melo, et al., I urge you to be among the first to buy the book on its launching in December.

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Implosion

ENQUIRY
DEMAREE J.B. RAVAL

Implosion
Sunday, 11 15, 2009

The run of Senator Benigno “Noynoy” Cojuangco Aquino III for the presidency is imploding, well before he has even filed his certificate of candidacy.

Noynoy and his handlers have touted the presidential contest for May, 2010 as a choice between good (Noynoy’s side) and evil (all others’).

The problem with this kind of labelling is that the one who insists on the dichotomy could never be sure his side is so pure and full of saints eternally and all others opposing him are devils, miscreants and sinners. From the time Noynoy announced his candidacy, when all the saints (presumably) were on his side, to his campaign entourage has been added the devils of Philippine politics. Politics is addition, that is a given in any presidential campaign, and you have to accept whoever wants to put in his twenty-five-centavos worth into your campaign. The Liberal Party has observed this policy of accretion to the hilt and without discernment, indiscriminately accepting into its fold many of the rejected devils, miscreants and sinners from the other political parties. Now, the good and evil dichotomy is is no longer valid, with Noynoy having to live and campaign with a full baggage of saints and sinners, each elbowing out the other to gain prominence in the campaign. The result? Confusion. One cannot make out the halo from the horns among the talking heads that surround Noynoy.

Noynoy and his handlers have latched on to the legacy of his famous parents as a campaign credential far too long. It would have sufficed to ride for a while on the crest of the Cory Magic to launch his candidacy, but he and his handlers have relied too much on it. And it would have sufficed to remind the Filipino people that they are worth dying for as did Ninoy say before he was killed in 1983. That would have been enough for a while, but his handlers keep repeating it as if the candidate Noynoy is the resurrection of the dead Ninoy. Noynoy and his handlers do not realize that euphoria is only fleeting, and that there comes a time when it is “gone to graveyards everyone,” as the song goes. And as the last strains of the song die in the wind, one has to proceed without the high-five-slap-happy euphoria and grapple with the realities on the ground.

The electorate are now looking into Noynoy’s own credentials because, after all, it will be Noynoy they will vote for, not Cory or Ninoy.

Noynoy has relied too much on the incompetence of his handlers. Noynoy is a good product to sell, but even a good product can get stale if not handled and merchandised the right way. So far, all the selling has been done to people already “sold” to the idea and need no further convincing. But what about the other buyers? Look at how they handled the SCTEX Interchange Scam bombshell of Congressman Boying Remulla. It has been six days since the Pandora’s Box of Noynoy’s immediate past was opened, yet there is no coherent and plausible explanation from the LP as to how Noynoy could not have been involved in such a scam. The simple denial from the LP that Noynoy did no such thing, or the limp assertion of Noynoy that it is pure black propaganda, will not placate the valid suspicion that Noynoy might not have clean hands after all. Something more concrete, something documented for his defense is what is expected. But it seems Noynoy and the LP are unprepared to handle crisis situations, and if they think that the SCTEX Interchange Scam is just the only one, they’ve got another think coming—a friend in the Nacionalista Party boasted to me that it is just the first in a series.

Noynoy has failed to put himself across as his own man. There is his celebrity sister whose skills at overselling a product rubs a great many people the wrong way. There is the scandalous use of resources of a media network to put Noynoy over for what he is really not. Then there is the campaign manager who, aside from making a half-assed promotion of Noynoy the candidate, also manages to project himself as if he were the one running.

And who is fending off those nasty text messages about Noynoy that I continue to receive even here in snowy and cold Central Asia? Is there anything that Noynoy’s supporters in the business sector can do to stop these messages?

Who is really the chef d’état-major of Noynoy’s campaign? Methinks ’tis a classic case of too many cooks spoiling the broth, or as my friend Reggie would say, too many crooks spoiling the soup. Noynoy, to continue with Reggie’s “malaphor,” should have set the main ingredients of his recipe; he should have personally chosen the condiments that should season his once-heady soupe du jour. The broth at Nonoy’s camp is slowly turning into a retch-inducing slop that only pigs would dearly love. It gives a whole new meaning to the expression, “feeding off the trough.”

Finally, whoever gave the go-signal for that infomercial that keeps running on your television set for three and a half minutes should lose his say in the Noynoy campaign. He never considered the consequences of that infomercial. Never mind if Marian Rivera, et al. were paid or not their fees for holding on to those faux torches of idealism that is passed from one entertainment talent to another; never mind Noynoy’s awkward gait — that validates Manong Ernie’s claim in his column in this paper? — against the balletic stride of Boy Abunda or the manly stance of James Yap; and never mind if a giant media network gave a 50% discount for its airing.

The infomercial does not send any substantive message that communicates the talents of Noynoy (that would qualify him as president), a message that could resonate long after its airing is finished. Rather, it presents Noynoy as the odd man in a sea of talents, or Noynoy as the recipient of a flaming torch — there goes again the association with Ninoy and Cory – that is extinguished everytime the infomercial ends. Reggie describes the infomercial, for lack of a more charitable term, as ampaw: too little substance and nothing in between. My other friend says it’s more like watching a dazzling fireworks show in the sky: too much sparkle and brilliance but too little warmth.

If the LP and its surrogates have mishandled the candidacy of Noynoy, they only have themselves to blame. Sayang.

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Gone too soon

ENQUIRY
DEMAREE J.B. RAVAL

Gone too soon
Sunday, 11 08, 2009

The late Michael Jackson has a song entitled “Gone Too Soon,” which opens with the following lines: “Like a comet blazing across the evening sky, gone too soon.” It was dedicated by the self-proclaimed King of Pop to a very promising young man whose life was cut short by the scourge of AIDS.

The song and the lyrics could very well describe what has happened to young Sen. Chiz Escudero, who once upon a time figured prominently in the presidential race, but has since effectively dropped out of the race, even as he continues to tickle everyone with the possibility of a rebound by fighting a people’s campaign. Chiz has become the latest victim of recklessness that is wasted among... well, the young.

Chiz has gone too soon. The promise was there: He could wage a decent fight against the more moneyed, more experienced and much more senior pretenders to the seat currently occupied by Gloria Arroyo, with the help of his political party, the Nationalist People’s Coalition (NPC). Alas, the recklessness of this young man put out the fight in him too early in the race, and the legions of his adherents who had put their hopes on him are disappointed.

Everything there was in Chiz was his unabashed and unflinching idealism. That should be no problem. But he forgot all about the realities of politics.

Chiz would have none of the strictures of a political party. He opted out of the NPC. He never realized that one who wages battle against the giants in politics must have a political party behind him — a party that guarantees a machinery and network, the command votes and, most important, the money to oil the army of vote-getters and the voters. Above all, he will need allies in the legislature in order to govern effectively, and be able to deliver on his promises. Because of his idealism, Chiz will never have any of that.

Chiz now prefers the electorate to be his partymates, rather than Danding Cojuangco, Louie Villafuerte, Ompong Plaza, et al. Who will now bring the votes to Chiz? Even if Chiz teams up with Sen. Ping Lacson, who is also without a political party, there is no added value to his crusade for a party-less candidacy. Even if he wins, who will be his allies in the compromise-laden field of governance?

He detested his hand and foot being chained to a party. But that does not make of Chiz, having already bolted the NPC, a free man. He shall continue to be chained hand-and-foot to the people for whom he advocates. The electorate he professes to protect, say, for example, the farmers aching to have their piece of Hacienda Luisita, will press him to deliver (should he get elected), with no results in sight, given the adverse configuration of the legislature with its vested interests. This is not to say that Chiz should be faulted for embracing a lost cause, but it simply does not wash for a young man like Chiz to paint himself into a corner by breaking all possibilities of compromise with the well-entrenched politicians in the Congress of the Philippines, each beholden to their special interests. To the extent that he cannot deliver simply because he has donned the white cape of idealism and righteousness to fight those on the Dark Side, and that he cannot be dictated to, or that he will never compromise, Chiz will be a failure. So, who wants him to be president with that certain possibility?

Chiz wanted independence to act freely, to decide only for the common good, and to be effective at governing without resorting to compromises. If he were the president of Utopia, then that could be possible. But this is the Philippines, where, as president, you can appear to act freely, profess to decide for the common good, but can never govern effectively if one does not resort to compromises.

Chiz acted too precipitately, by not weighing the consequences of his declaration of freedom from a party that nurtured his political path for the past 11 years. He has done the unthinkable: Fighting the machinery that made him a member of the House of Representatives and a top ranking senator. My malaprop-spouting friend Reggie will probably call it as biting the hand that feeds the other dogs. I will not call Chiz an ingrate, but very close to that. I will not even refer to funding problem as the immediate cause of his departure from the NPC, but I will give him the benefit of the doubt that it was all pure idealism that drove him to decide to be gone too soon from the NPC.

He may look good for the moment, even gaining new adherents to his brand of politics, but for how long will that hold? When the reality creeps in that he cannot wage a decent fight in the presidential race, he will be left carrying the banner of his brand of politics with but a few idealists close behind.

Chiz never gave a thought to the possible reaction of the stalwarts in the NPC, they who expected him to carry the fight for the party as its standard bearer. What else will anyone expect from these former partymates? Certainly not their support for his candidacy. And what about Loren Legarda who had given way to Chiz, agreeing to slide down as his vice presidential candidate — they were a formidable tandem for a while — and now standing all alone, being peddled by her partymates in the NPC to team up with either Manny Villar or Gibo Teodoro?

“Gone too soon” closes with these lines: “Here one day, gone one night... gone too soon.” One moment, we thought we had a Chiz-Loren tandem; now, that is gone. One moment, we thought we had a Chiz Escudero who would go the distance in the presidential race; now that is an impossibility, Chiz having gone too soon, his blind idealism simply not cut out for the rough and tumble of Philippine politics. Sayang.

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Consistency is the dependable standard

ENQUIRY
DEMAREE J.B. RAVAL

Consistency is the dependable standard
Sunday, 11 01, 2009

"Loren sticks to the opposition.” Nothing has made me more determined to give my support to the opposition than this online news as I count the end of my days in Bishkek.

Loren Legarda has always been in the opposition, and she should carry that label with pride as the campaign progresses. Then we have former President Joseph Estrada, Mayor Jojo Binay, and Sen. Chiz Escudero as the other bets of the Genuine Opposition. Many other candidates for president and vice president claim to be in the opposition today. Really? How genuine are their claims? The provenance of these claims can be traced to the elections of May 2004, when massive cheating installed a government that does not deserve to rule and to govern.

Anyone who helped install the government of Gloria — and I single out the Liberal Party, regardless of its subsequent breakaway from that government — does not deserve to get the support of the electorate, especially those sympathetic to the opposition, in May 2010.

The breakaway of the LP at the height of the Garci Controversy was never on principle. It was naked political ambition; crass opportunism, if you will. The party saw an opportunity to grab power from within, but was foiled. Since then, it has remained vociferous — through a smaller than half of its total membership, the bigger part having stuck it out with Gloria — against the government. But never for once has the LP admitted to its principal role in the commission of the ultimate crime of fraud against the Filipino people in May 2004.

The LP knew very well Gloria cheated her way to the presidency. And why would the LP not know? The party was there in the thick of the cheating, its leaders were simply noting our objections! Where was the LP when we were crying ourselves hoarse against the fraud? Its members would not even let us speak, or present the election returns to prove the lie of the manufactured certificates of canvass.

The leaders of the LP railroaded the national canvass, and even had the horrendous gall to proclaim Gloria as president at dawn.

Even before the elections, the senators belonging to the LP prevented the report of the Angara Committee establishing the Manapat forgeries on the birth certificate of then presidential candidate Fernando Poe Jr. and the marriage certificate of FPJ’s parents. The LP employed all the tricks to derail the victory of FPJ and Loren in 2004.

It is presidential elections once again, and the LP now offers itself as the alternative to the worst government we have had, whose genesis is unmistakably the responsibility of that party. Pray, tell, how can the LP be the alternative if it is on the same side as Gloria’s?

The choices for 2010 should be limited to those who have been in the Genuine Opposition since 2004, who have consistently fought for truth, who have been the victims of the government installed by modern-day Sauls who were blinded by the light on the road to Malacañang.

The LP derides Estrada for allegedly not admitting to his mistakes that led to his conviction. Now let’s turn the tables and see what we have: A party that is proud of its role in the massive fraud in 2004, which inflicted on the nation a president like Gloria?

However much those in the Genuine Opposition may differ among themselves in their ambitions — with each one wanting to be president or vice-president — their consistency for the cause of truth should be the limiting standard. Only they can claim to be the standard bearers of the opposition.

Whoever was responsible for installing Gloria in 2004 — and I refer to those in the LP who went to bed with her, who prostituted themselves for political patronage, who enjoyed the power that went with being with the lying and the cheating and the stealing, then all too suddenly turned against Gloria — could be the worst politicians we will ever have. The nation does not deserve these opportunists to rule. They will change their color just as easily as they can shout “Garci!”

There is something appealing in politicians who stick to their principles. They are predictable and honest to everyone.

And there is something appalling in politicians who transfer their loyalties when ambitions can no longer be accommodated and sustained or when greed seeks a larger trough and a deeper (pork) barrel from which they must feed. They could sell you to the highest bidder, the keepers of the gold who make the rules — anytime and every time. Remember that time when the leaders of the LP trooped to Malacañang to reiterate their loyalty to Gloria, even offered a province as place of refuge for Her Majesty just in case the natives get too restive? And, all too suddenly, 48 hours later, they had set the motion for a coup against Gloria?

It is a queer cloak that the LP wears — reversible but black inside out. Whenever convenience dictates, the party reverses the cape and simply goes to the other end of its side of the political divide. It is still on the side of Gloria, only that they are fighting Gloria from within and under false colors.

It takes the likes of Loren, Erap, Chiz, and Jojo to stick to the opposition. They could be elbowing each other in order to become the president or vice president, but they are still together on the other side, all on the side of the Genuine Opposition. Somehow, it is sensible when this division in the political spectrum is seen in this light.

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This space has consistently written against the opportunism that the LP has perfected. Its candidates have no claim to be legitimate oppositionists. They have no claim to constancy. They stand only for opportunism and disloyalty. Look at Kiko Pangilinan, for example. Was it not only yesterday that he broke a gavel just to bring home the point that FPJ and Loren lost to Gloria and Noli? Now he is saying he belongs to the opposition!

The Filipino electorate will know better in 2010. They will choose from among the choices in the Genuine Opposition.


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Remembering to forget

ENQUIRY
DEMAREE J.B. RAVAL

Remembering to forget
Sunday, 10 25, 2009

When I left for Kyrgyzstan last month, a friend of mine, Dan Pinto, gave me a copy of 60zens: Tips on Senior Citizenship. I told Dan he needed the book more than I did, since he’s already at that age where he deserves discounts on the basic necessities of his former wildly (mis)spent life. Nevertheless, he insisted on me taking it, saying it would keep my nights in Bishkek, the capital city, warm.

The past weeks have filled with me with nothing but icy gloom whenever I log on to the Internet and read about the miseries of people back home who have been hit by “Ondoy," “Pepeng” and “Ramil.” This is a tragedy of such proportions it makes a grown man cry.

So I turn to laughter to dry my tears. It is something we are good at when the chips are down or when we feel we’ve been handed the wrong end of the stick. From the time of the Japanese Occupation down to the Gloria Usurpation, we have employed humor and laughter to dull the edge of oppression and misery that have been inflicted on us, whether in the form of natural disasters or man-made catastrophes.

We have not lost that capacity for laughter, especially when the joke or the tragedy is on us. Very KhalilGibranesque. He once observed that one’s laughter is merely one’s sorrow unmasked, and that the very well from whence one’s sorrow rises is often filled by one’s tears.

Indeed, the book has provided a warm chuckle on nights as I sit in solitude in my UN quarters while a fierce, chilly wind blows outside. The author, who has had previously six serious books to his name, has taken an about-face in his usual themes and has come up with a volume that threatens to give those of Bob Ong (bestsellers among the younger generation) some stiff competition.

As its title suggests, the book is a humorous compendium of tips and verses about diversions, chores and joys in old age, in order that a senior citizen could avoid being retarded while being retired.

Somewhere in the book, Jun Balde says that he had wanted to write another book, entitled 1001 Things to Remember If You Have Alzheimer’s Disease. But how could one still remember if one already has the disease? Translated freely from the original Pilipino, here are the first 10 of Jun’s 1001 Things to Remember:

1. Your name, face and sex. It’s going to be a big problem if you can’t answer questions like “What is your name?” and Where do you live?” I recommend that you have your name tattooed on your palm. If your palm is big enough, include your address, telephone number and e-mail address. This way, you can easily see the important data about you. It is also important that you know your own face and sex. You might be horrified if suddenly you can’t recognize the man in the mirror whose hair and teeth you are combing and brushing, respectively. It’s going to be a big headache if you are no longer sure whether what you’re going to wear is an undershirt or a bra, a pair of briefs or a pair of panties, a condom or a tampon.

2. The name and face of your wife. It’s important that you know who your wife is. Except if you want some variety. But it’s doubly important that you know who is not your wife, in order that you may not come to any further aggravation and grief.

3. Where you stash your bankbook and other important documents. The more money you have — for instance, you are as wealthy as Jamby Madrigal’s aunt — the more important it is that you know where you have kept those papers hidden. All things considered, you won’t be kept hostage or be poisoned by ambitious relatives if they are certain that Alzheimer’s has not totally erased your memory.

4. Which floor in the parking building you parked your car in. List down this information on a small writing pad in your pocket. Dan once could not remember where he parked his car in the seven parking levels of the RCBC Tower, that he spent several hours on foot looking for it at each level.

5. The containers of the ingredients of your favorite recipe. Label the containers of your favorite condiments. It’s dangerous if you can no longer tell the difference among salt, sugar, baking soda, shabu and rat poison.

6. The proper storage for things. It’s going to be a disaster if you keep the telephone inside the freezer; and the book, in the oven. Equally catastrophic is if it’s lye that you pour into the wine decanter, or Vulcaseal that you apply on your toothbrush.

7. The pills that you take — lest you start gulping down Midol and Diatabs instead of the maintenance pills for your high blood pressure. And although the various pills that you’re taking are color-coded, you still need a reference chart — so you could know which is Viagra and which is Ecstasy.

8. Personal hygiene — especially when you start losing control of your bladder and bowels. It is also important that you know to which part of your anatomy you apply toilet paper, put a condom, or insert cotton buds.

9. The time of day. Don’t leave the house in the middle of the night and tell your folks that you’re going shopping or golfing. Except if there’s a Midnight Madness at Greenhills, or a night tournament at Intramuros.

10. The last thing you were doing. So that you could know what has to be done next. Like, after decapitating a chicken, are you going to cook or surrender to the police? Remember the story of the old geezer who found himself on a bed, beside a lady, and with his pants halfway down his knees? The poor man couldn’t decide whether to take off his pants or to put it on, or whether he had already done the dirty deed or was just starting to go at it!

Despite the biting cold here in Kyrgyzstan and the gloomy conditions in the Philippines, I am glad that I still receive heartwarming messages from my family and friends — one of them goes by the name of Loren Legarda — who tells me to hang on, finish my job in Kyrgyzstan and go back to the Philippines to help in whatever way I can. The situation is not entirely hopeless, and I’d be very willing to do my part. As long as, once in a while, we all could laugh about it.

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Primer for pols (2)

ENQUIRY
DEMAREE J.B. RAVAL

Primer for pols (2)
Sunday, 10 04, 2009

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5.) Claim to be the lesser of two evils. Convince your targets that you are the least offensive, and therefore, the better, option when it comes to a choice between two devils. This technique involves a lot of false humility, coupled by an admission of your own shortcomings and all-too-human frailties, while tarring your opposite number with a much blacker brush that, by contrast, you appear to be a repentant sinner or a reformed miscreant. Heap the blame on the other pol and tell your targets he is responsible for all the social and economic ills of the community, from the degeneration of morals to overpopulation to rampant criminality. Tell them you — and nobody else — are one of the only option left for them. And that your horns are yet blunt and your tail is shorter than the other devil.

6.) Call ‘em names. Use language or words that carry a negative connotation when describing your opponent. Do your damnedest best to stoke the fires of prejudice among your targets by labeling the other pol with something that the public dislikes. Use sarcasm and ridicule, like what one Palace factotum did when he labeled the opposition as hysterical, pathetic and delusional men who see ghosts where there are none. Or what the leader of an NGO did when he described Gibo as a "certified Amboy who is obsessed with military treaties, bases and troops." A subtle variation of this technique is called "damning with faint praise" — expressing admiration for someone so unenthusiastically as to imply condemnation. Consider this favorite praise of Leina de Legazpi: the benevolent empress at the Palace by the stinking river.

7.) Zoom in on the enemy. Keep the issue simple by pointing an accusing finger on the enemy; it often reduces a complex situation to a clear-cut choice involving good and evil. Simplify a complex situation by presenting one specific group or person as the enemy. Nothing else perhaps best illustrates this maneuver than the current battlecry a presidentiable has adopted these days, which goes something like this: "It’s a battle between Good and Evil!" Neat and simple. No elaborations. And the people out there listening to you are supposed to know who exactly are the good pols, and who the evil ones are.

8.) Be one of the plain folks. Convince your public that your views reflect those of the common person and that these views are also working for the benefit of the common person. Invent jokes and anecdotes about how simple and down-to-earth you are. Your public will lap it up and love you for being the underdog. Dive right into the heart of the crowd and shake every available hand that reaches out for you, make goo-goo eyes at infants, eat with your bare hands, find a convenient occasion to sing your own version of "My Way," pedal away in a traysikad, wade into the rice paddies to plant rice while dressed in designer shirt and pants, dance the limbo rock and deliberately make a fool of yourself. The gimmicks are endless and limited only by the far reaches of your imagination. In short, show that you are not a punyeta but, instead, one who is "laking Marikina." Increase the illusion through imperfect diction, a pronounced accent, a deliberate stutter, and a more limited vocabulary. Gaffes such as these tend to convince the masa that you are sincere and spontaneous. Couple this technique with glittering generalities, and you’ll be in like Flynn. You will convince your public that your attitudes and lifestyle are similar to their own and therefore more valid.

9.) Have that hand raised. When you have filled your war chest with enough contributions from your backers — whom you will eventually pay back with behest loans and other forms of patronage — and the presses are ready to roll off your campaign paraphernalia, be sure that there is a picture of you, grinning from ear to ear, with your hand raised by a famous person, say, a world boxing champ, an actress, as a testimonial to your integrity and political acumen. In addition, throw in quotations and endorsements — in or out of context, whatever — which clearly connect this famous person with you. This is called "celebrity endorsement" and is very closely connected to the transfer technique, where an attempt is made to link or shift to you the traits of a person that everyone adulates wildly and without any reservations. Remember: Many an undeserving pol was elected to office in 1987 just because his hand was raised by Cory Aquino.

10.) Lay on the astroturf. AstroTurf is a brand name for artificial grass. This word has metamorphosed into "astroturfing," to describe a form of political or public relations campaigning that seeks to create the impression that a particular event is a spontaneous, unpremeditated reply to the "grassroots," the ordinary folks among the populace. If you are a pol seeking election or simply wishing to do a good deed to boost the image of your party, you can disguise your public action as an independent reaction to the plight of the grassroots. For example, you could arrange to be simply "just in the area" when you catch sight of a poor old man living in a clapboard shack, and then you take pity on him and offer to relocate him to some decent place, give him a job, and offer to send his children to school, all because of the milk of human kindness that generously pours out of your compassionate breast. Of course, there should be also an "accidental" photojournalist to record the event. That’s astroturfing for you. Or if you are returning from a visit to Saudi Arabia, you can come home with a batch of OFWs that had long been stranded at the airport in Jeddah, and present them to the public as one of the incidental but glorious accomplishments of what was supposed to be a trip to attract more investors to the country. You get the trophy and the grassroots get their 15 minutes of fame at the NAIA.

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