The college of witnesses

E·N·Q·U·I·R·Y
DEMAREE J.B. RAVAL

The college of witnesses
Sunday, 08 14, 2005

At the rate whistleblowers are changing their tune, or being sprung to preempt further damaging revelations against the lady who continues to lie, cheat and steal, one can readily conclude that there is an organized group programmed precisely to steer her out of collateral damage whenever she lies, cheats and steals.

Which brings me to The College of Witnesses: That shut-up/shut-down machinery which grinds up stratagems to a firm hold of power for liars, cheaters and thieves.

The College has been in operation for some time. The skills it has imparted to its alumni first came to public consciousness in the “rescue” of Mahusay when he was deep into the Jose Pidal hearings. Some say that this shadowy institution had been, at an earlier date, churning out grabby graduates, the epitome of whom is Mawanay who regaled us with his fantastic tales. Or even much earlier, according to some, who can remember as far back as the time when there was a manhunt for a witness who was needed to be recycled in order to doubly - make that trebly - jeopardize a senator who had already been acquitted from a case many times over.

Reliable informants would even have it that the College was put in place immediately upon the assumption to the presidency of that lady who lies, cheats and steals.

Overseeing the College is the Secretary of the Department of the Underground. He serves as its ex-officio Dean, and is the unchallenged recipient of many endowments to finance its various programs for witnesses. The College has access to funds of the many agencies where the Department has managed to shoehorn an obsequious representative to insure that the College never runs out of cash. Serving as Associate Dean is a diminutive factotum who, among his other qualifications that border on reckless impudence, can jump out of a hovering helicopter, give an on-camera chase to - and conveniently lose - lumber smugglers, and act as rabid attack dog of the lady who lies, cheats and steals.

Like any other, The College of Witnesses has specialized units. A Department of Untrammeled Defamation (DUD) gives short courses to witnesses on how to besmirch the integrity of people such as Bishop Cruz and other handlers of whistleblowers as well as the whistleblowers themselves. Students in this department are supervisors, friends and even relatives who have an axe to grind; and its faculty are politicians who curry favor, expecting juicy morsels of pork.

A Recantation, Withdrawal and Remorse Department (Reward) coaches witnesses in the fine art of dramatically reneging on one’s word, complete with copious expressions of guilt, apologies, shame and regret before TV cameras. Graduates in this department have millions of incentives to excel in this art.

A Department of Eradication, Alterations and Disappearance (Dead) has three sections. The Vita Section is especially useful during elections, when it churns out birth certificates, marriage contracts and bigamy charges to obliterate the true details of the life of a presidential candidate. The Viva Section digitally doctors tape recordings, wiretaps and CDs in order to sow confusion and cloud the minds of people through commissioned waveform and spectrographic analysis. The Visa Section arranges your flight to whichever country you would like to pass the time away after singing an altogether different tune or totally disappear after being an accessory to an impeachable crime.

The Loopholes, Inquests and Evasions Section (Lies) is a cabal of prevaricators, having as consultants duplicitous members of the legal profession. Among its faculty are the best wordsmiths who could issue affidavits at the wave of the Dean’s payola-tainted, pudgy hand whenever an investigation bodes of undesired repercussions. From the Lies are issued statements that skirt around every conceivable ambiguity in a law. You don’t get direct answers to direct questions here - only skillful avoidance to reveal the truth. “Lapse in judgment” is just that, and it can never mean an admission to the commission of a crime.

Of course, within the College (like any other) are holdouts and recalcitrants. But not for long. A department that goes by the acronym Fund - meaning, Finances for the Unconverted Natives - takes care of melting down resistance and salving uneasy conscience. Every whistleblower, with the exception of the beleaguered Mendoza, Zuce, Cam and Mayor, has a price. Fund has bags and bags of those crisp bills, to buy you anything for your silence.

Working hand-in-glove with Fund are the operatives of the Praise Operations Department (Prod), who don’t even bother to hide the manipulative fashion in the way they hand out those envelopes. In return for a kind and gentle word, the recipients of this baksheesh – that is lagay in Tagalog - shout themselves hoarse over the radio, prostitute themselves in their newspaper columns, and demean themselves on TV as they extol the lady who lies, cheats and steals, and demonize those who dare to come forward to tell the truth. Try to read without puking that one who “queries” and never asks but collects anyway.

Lastly, the College has a department so fearsome that no one dares speak its name for fear of repercussions. It is only the silence of the family members of its past victims - like the municipal election officer from Basilan mentioned in the Garci Tapes - that tells us that the College is not beyond forcefully taking away people and their loved ones, and holding them prisoner in order to silence the shrill notes of a whistle blower.

The credibility of witnesses who are determined to tell the truth must not be compromised. It is time that something is done to stop the enrolment in the College of Witnesses; otherwise, we will find ourselves suffering for many more years to come, under a government that has only contempt for the truth.


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