E·N·Q·U·I·R·Y
DEMAREE J.B. RAVAL
DEMAREE J.B. RAVAL
Malacañang mindtap
Sunday, 11 06, 2005
Flashback: In last week’s column we left off visualizing GMA gazing out of a bulletproof window at Malacañang, looking at the tidily kept lawn and murmuring to herself: “Perhaps I should have land mines planted all over the place for my successor when he comes. My successor, hmm . . . I wonder who he would be among that gaggle of wannabes out there.”
What she does not know is that on that very moment, at Mendiola fronting that monument to the late brave Chino Roces, a young man named Alfredo Mitidor, dressed in rags and covered with filth and grime, is fiddling with a cellphone. Owing to his stench and repulsive appearance, passersby and the police contingent assigned to monitor the crowd hardly pay him attention. Ostensibly he is just one of those begrimed unfortunates called taong grasa who inhabit Atienza’s Manila. Indeed, another vagrant entertaining himself with what looks like a high-end cellphone: one of those newfangled things that enable the owner to log into the internet, chat with a friend miles away, receive and generate electromagnetic impulses and convert them to sounds, and do countless other operations that would boggle the mind. Above all, what nobody could know was that this was a cellphone that could zero in on the electromagnetic impulses generated by the brain when one is in the grip of an intense emotion such as fear, panic or distress - and convert these electronic blips into plaintext.
At that moment, the cellphone’s receiving sensors were tuned in to Malacanang. As the vagrant’s thumb danced across the phone’s keypads, a string of characters appeared on the monitor in rapid succession, that as soon as the monitor filled up, the characters scrolled up to give space for more incoming text. This went on for several minutes and when the flood of characters finally subsided, Mitidor switched the phone to internet mode and typed in a series of email addresses. one of which was mine. So when I opened my inbox last week, I got a lengthy message, strangely titled “Malacanang Mindtap,” substantial portions of which are reproduced below:
01 Nov 2005; somewhere in Mendiola; 0400 hrs
Unidentified Female: … My successor, hmm…I wonder who he would be among that gaggle of wannabes out there.
[Unintelligible due to sounds of what seems to be the roar of APCs.]
So the Opposition really thinks they could do what was done to Erap! They don’t even have a leader! Just look at them…all wanting to lead, each one as ambitious as the other. They don’t even have a common… [Unintelligible due to sounds of sirens.]
Unidentified Female: …There - that should put the fear of God in those idiots! I think there should be more fortifications. Hmm… perhaps an anti-aircraft gun? That should discourage the Air Force. Under the circumstances, one could never be too sure of these soldiers, even if to my face they hail me as commander-in-chief. That’s what Angie and his bunch called Erap - and look at what it’s gotten that actor for his misplaced confidence!
So who’s out there to dislodge me from this Palace that I would fight tooth and nail, employ every means, fair or foul … [unintelligible, atmospheric noises].
That actress? Bah! After that impressive theatrics at Club Filipino, what else has she done? To maintain her image as reluctant… actually, timorous, “voice of the people.” She has also gone on record as preferring a “father” instead of another woman to mother the nation.
Unidentified Female: …There - that should put the fear of God in those idiots! I think there should be more fortifications. Hmm… perhaps an anti-aircraft gun? That should discourage the Air Force. Under the circumstances, one could never be too sure of these soldiers, even if to my face they hail me as commander-in-chief. That’s what Angie and his bunch called Erap - and look at what it’s gotten that actor for his misplaced confidence!
So who’s out there to dislodge me from this Palace that I would fight tooth and nail, employ every means, fair or foul … [unintelligible, atmospheric noises].
That actress? Bah! After that impressive theatrics at Club Filipino, what else has she done? To maintain her image as reluctant… actually, timorous, “voice of the people.” She has also gone on record as preferring a “father” instead of another woman to mother the nation.
Johny or Ping? No way! Besides, they have repeatedly stated their lack of interest for reasons known only to their shrewd selves.
That preacher? I’ll sic a bunch of BIR agents on him and he’ll know what’s good for him!
Loren? This fast-talking lady should make a good choice, I am loathe to admit. But her hopeless preoccupation with her protest to claim the vice-presidency placed her at an uncomfortable distance from the mainstream effort to remove me. When will she ever learn that the constitutional route is inoperative as long as I’m in command?
Nene? Oh brother! The man is simply too old! Did he think he would earn brownie points from me when he held that mike when I pulled that power grab?
Rolex Suplico? Imee? Cayetano? Pah! These vociferous upstarts will have their time, but not now.
[Several expletives deleted, followed by a horrendous cackling laugh.]
That preacher? I’ll sic a bunch of BIR agents on him and he’ll know what’s good for him!
Loren? This fast-talking lady should make a good choice, I am loathe to admit. But her hopeless preoccupation with her protest to claim the vice-presidency placed her at an uncomfortable distance from the mainstream effort to remove me. When will she ever learn that the constitutional route is inoperative as long as I’m in command?
Nene? Oh brother! The man is simply too old! Did he think he would earn brownie points from me when he held that mike when I pulled that power grab?
Rolex Suplico? Imee? Cayetano? Pah! These vociferous upstarts will have their time, but not now.
[Several expletives deleted, followed by a horrendous cackling laugh.]
Unidentified Female: Hah! What fools these politicians are! To them I say: You are no match for me! Mine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory! Ha, ha, ha!!!
[Three minutes of non-stop laughter. Then five minutes of silence, punctuated by the sound of pacing on a wooden floor.]
Unidentified Female: But wait…How do I neutralize a problem named Binay? More than any one of these dreamers and screamers, this swarthy [unintelligible; a cuss word in some dialect?] has kept the Opposition all heated up since their debacle at the polls.
This hijo de [expletive deleted] has effectively shepherded the ragtag corps of FPJ supporters.
This [expletive deleted] has been consistent, and never wavered, in exposing the truth about my election. Puneta!
This man enjoys the confidence of the two widows. His loyalty to the cause of the Opposition is without question.
What is wrong with Binay? He relishes the job of nurturing the Opposition forces without expecting any reward. Why does he hound me so?
Makati is the refuge of the many who cannot articulate their gripes against me anywhere else. Why can’t Binay be simply blind like the other mayors, and keep those [expletive deleted] off the streets?
Why do I have the stinking suspicion that this Binay would end up the anointed leader of the Opposition? In fact, he does not even have to be anointed. By force of his performance and dedication, he is the leader without doubt. Puneta!
This [expletive deleted] Binay knows how to respond to the needs of the poor. Nobody gets sick in Makati; everyone dies in dignity, and the peace-and-order situation makes Makati the safest place to be. The city’s coffers are bulging. His performance as mayor of Makati makes others pale in comparison. Especially when measured against that dark visage of his - ha, ha, ha! What he did to Makati he can do likewise for the whole country. Puneta!
So why am I saying that there is no one out there who can capably step into my shoes? Miiiiiike! It’s time you get working again! Puneta! Where is that Fat Man?
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[Three minutes of non-stop laughter. Then five minutes of silence, punctuated by the sound of pacing on a wooden floor.]
Unidentified Female: But wait…How do I neutralize a problem named Binay? More than any one of these dreamers and screamers, this swarthy [unintelligible; a cuss word in some dialect?] has kept the Opposition all heated up since their debacle at the polls.
This hijo de [expletive deleted] has effectively shepherded the ragtag corps of FPJ supporters.
This [expletive deleted] has been consistent, and never wavered, in exposing the truth about my election. Puneta!
This man enjoys the confidence of the two widows. His loyalty to the cause of the Opposition is without question.
What is wrong with Binay? He relishes the job of nurturing the Opposition forces without expecting any reward. Why does he hound me so?
Makati is the refuge of the many who cannot articulate their gripes against me anywhere else. Why can’t Binay be simply blind like the other mayors, and keep those [expletive deleted] off the streets?
Why do I have the stinking suspicion that this Binay would end up the anointed leader of the Opposition? In fact, he does not even have to be anointed. By force of his performance and dedication, he is the leader without doubt. Puneta!
This [expletive deleted] Binay knows how to respond to the needs of the poor. Nobody gets sick in Makati; everyone dies in dignity, and the peace-and-order situation makes Makati the safest place to be. The city’s coffers are bulging. His performance as mayor of Makati makes others pale in comparison. Especially when measured against that dark visage of his - ha, ha, ha! What he did to Makati he can do likewise for the whole country. Puneta!
So why am I saying that there is no one out there who can capably step into my shoes? Miiiiiike! It’s time you get working again! Puneta! Where is that Fat Man?
For comments about this website:Webmaster@tribune.net.ph
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