My daughter, in love

E·N·Q·U·I·R·Y
DEMAREE J.B. RAVAL

My daughter, in love
Sunday, 01 16, 2005

On days like this, when the news tomorrow is nothing but a rewritten version of yesterday’s press releases, I tend to get moody, introspective. Call it a case of burned-out enthusiasm: at the moment I find myself at a lack of anything praiseworthy – or blameworthy - to say about people of consequence, places of interest, and things of importance. And that leaves me with nothing but myself.

I know I should not feel guilty about this egoism. I guess this is what happens when one nears the mid-century mark. At work, I think of the wife and children I have left at home. At home, I worry myself sick with the thought of the work I have left unfinished at the office. Today such a struggle is raging in my mind. And it tears my heart apart.

The rent in my heart is torn some more when I contemplate that my daughter is in love and is about to get married. What!!! Is this now the little girl my wife and I gazed at so adoringly as she came into this world some twenty years ago? I can’t remember growing older. So just when did this little girl decide to discard her dolls and, later, her books, and start thinking of leaving home after living with us for so many years?

Concerned parent that I am, I could probably tell her: “My dear girl, love is a temporary insanity.” And very much the daughter of her lawyer-father that she is, she would probably counter: “Yes, Dad. I know it is; and it is curable by marriage.”

Years ago, while yet in law school, I went through a similar temporary insanity, and a close friend told me: “My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.“ I did, and my wife has been more than good to me, and I’ve been happy - and as you, daughter of mine, can see in the letter below, have become an awkward armchair philosopher of sorts:

To my Daughter, on marrying young:

You will vow to love each other and to live together for better or for worse, now and forever. It is easier said than done. Much of your happiness will depend on how well you keep these vows. Yours will be a relation in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal.

Marriage is your last, best chance to grow up. Start by getting to know each other - warts and blemishes and all. You will learn to admire each other even with those imperfections. What you are as a single person, you will be as a married person, only to a greater degree. Any negative character trait will be intensified in your relationship, because each of you will feel free to let your guard down - one has committed one’s self to the other, and no longer has to worry about scaring the other off.

All weddings are similar, but every marriage is different. May you not wake up one morning to realize that the one you married is not the one you love. Do not worry; you have a lifetime to learn to love the one you married.

Share everything, especially the good times and the blessings. Include the bank deposits; you never know when they might run out

Spare time to talk to each other as often as possible. And always speak from the heart. The words come easy. But be careful with words that could break hearts. They are hard to erase. And even if you succeed, they leave scars.

Words of love do not go out of style just because you’re already married; like wine, they come sweeter with age.

Hold hands whenever you could. It keeps you close to each other. It bridges the gaps and keeps other people from getting between you.

Trust each other. But if trust is not there, do not impose. Trust is something that you must earn. The same is true with respect, and love. There is nothing nobler or more admirable than two people who see eye-to-eye, keeping house as man and wife; it will confound your detractors and delight your friends.

Fall in love many times over, always with each other. Make love as often as you can. You will miss the fun when you no longer could. And remember that the love you give should always be equal to the love you make. These things are fun.

Keep your love notes and the things you’ve given to each other as tokens of love. You will treasure them when the memories start to fade and you’re too old to remember.

Take time to be alone together, even in a crowd. You are each other’s best friend. Let no one come in between. Sad as it may be, friends and acquaintances come and go, but in the end there’s really just the two of you. The goal is not to think alike, but to think together, and love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.

Appoint each other as guardian of your shared solitudes and keep the flame of hope burning even in your darkest moments. It will light your way to salvation.

Keep a home that will always welcome you and your loved ones. And make a paradise of it, no matter where it is or what it’s made of.

Half-wit, I will conclude: Don’t worry about the past. Don’t worry about the future. Don’t worry about triumph. Don’t worry about failure unless you brought it upon yourselves. Don’t worry about disappointments. Don’t worry about satisfactions. Be happy.

With dearest love, Your Father


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